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The rays of happiness, like those of light, are colorless when unbroken"
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Get up tomorrow and do it again

by Nancy D. on 01/19/19

Sometimes, I can understand the struggle the person abusing substance must go through.  My disease, is to please.  I've gotten better, but my problem is, I know how to do a lot of things.  I've had a lot of life experiences and because I know how to do....doesn't mean I always should.  I guess, I'm a fixer.  I've had to learn just about every job I've had by being self taught.  I've learned the way to do it, and organize it, to the point I have a self taught, self learned expererience.

This can be very damaging when everyone relies heavily on you to always come through.  In my family, I get things done. I'm the person they can depend on to figure out problems, find the answers, make the way easier for them.  I'm good with the grandchildren, they adore me too, and I wouldn't trade that for anything.  I "read" them well, and know how to make them laugh and engage with me and want to be around me and not go home.

Sometimes, I feel like I have so much responsibility on me by being the fixer, knower, doer, that I spend most of my time making other people's lives better and easier.  Where I get confused, is when I feel like I'm running out and can't catch a break to do simple things for myself I need to do.  I'll keep everyone else's animals around me, but if I need to go out of town, it's hard to find someone to keep mine.  Someone I trust, anyway.  

My life is so full, which isn't a bad thing, but it seems to almost be one responsibility right after the other.  Just once, I'd like to just let my hair down and laugh and have fun and be the kid.  I do, at times when I'm babysitting. I get to live the world all over again through the grandchildren's eyes.  Making for them the joy that I miss having, making them laugh and squeal and run around and have fun.  Those are times, I have fun, good, lighthearted fun.  What I have forgotten is where that fits in the rest of my world.

To be able to drop everything and go for a walk in the day.  To meet a friend for lunch, to just go do simple, fun things I enjoy, give myself permission to do them without feeling torn in the obligation of all of the demands on my time.

Tonight, I don't know what the answer is, because tomorrow, I must get up and do it all over again.  The obligations.  I will try to find time in my day for some fun time and try to allow myself permission to have it, without worrying about not having enough time in the day or whether I'll be needed to babysit to relieve my son, who also has learned how to not take any time for himself.  It's quite the quandry.  Perhaps, I'm a workaholic.  Perhaps its just as simple as that.

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