by Nancy D. on 04/11/12
In talking to my son the other day, I realized these days, we actually have good, meaningful conversations, not like the "pretend, niceties" of the past. You know.... the empty pretend conversations with no real substance, where issues are on the table... where you talk about anything but the real issue? We were discussing how difficult it is for parents to watch as their kids make bad decisions. After all, we have given birth to them, cared for them, loved them, given up freedoms to give time to them, cleaned up their vomit when they were ill, done without giving to ourselves because their lives were more important. Then, we have to switch gears and let them go and make all the mistakes we've made and feel all the pain we've felt, and pray they will grow from it not be destroyed by it.
I think that was my biggest fear; knowing how extremely difficult life could be to live, and knowing all the battles that my children would have to face and wondering if they could endure stuff like I could. I have to admit, I had doubts whether they could....or even further, fearing they wouldn't endure the stresses, pressures and problems that come along with new responsibilities.
As I look back, my momentum and energy from early on in their lives was in the direction of fear. Fearing something bad would happen to them, fearing they wouldn't be able to bear the things that life had to offer. I know I endured, but to be honest, barely at times. Each hardship, each heart break, I somehow barely clawed through and survived. I didn't think at the times they happened, that I actually would survive them. I feared, faced with the same set of circumstances, my children may not survive them. What if? What if they did the unthinkable before they had future knowledge about how events will transpire and how things will change and how this too, shall pass? What if?
I based everything on that one emotion and didn't even know it. Fear. I often wonder how my life would have turned out differently if I didn't utilize fear as my guiding light. I would like to have some of the tools I have learned the last two years, to have available in my tool kit; and could have relied more on those, than on fear.
I wish I had of known or accepted that I had a universal energy available to rely on instead. To have a God for the first time, and to know that some force is looking out for me and actually has, all along. However, I never asked or never listened to the guidance that has always been there for me. I was always in my own head. Always too head strong, always knew the answers. I also relied on other people, men....to be the "strong guidance over me". I also thought that I somehow had control over just about anything and everything that happened in my world. I controlled it by either worrying about it to death, or by the power of wishing for something one way or the other, or through manipulating people, places and things. I believed that I somehow held the power for the way things would turn out in any given situation.
I say the words control and manipulation like I was an ill-intended individual with manacle intent. My intent was always good. It was always for the greater good, or someone else's good, or for some nice thing to happen. No matter what the intent, the actual action was the same. It was control or manipulation, just wrapped up in a prettier package called justification.
Two negatives always at work, and I somehow expected a positive outcome. I made it, in spite of myself :) Something or someone was watching over me, making a new, improved path for me to follow with new and improved tools to utilize. I white knuckled through all these years, not knowing there was an easier, gentler way. My wish for both of my children, is to supersede me and leave out all that fear, worry and strife and enjoy the upcoming changes in their lives, and move from a place of confidence and trust that they can do anything and enjoy the ride :)