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Trauma & Narcissism

by Nancy D. on 07/06/19

Narcissistic Personality Disorder - The difference in the outcome of the personality disorder is, where other people  seek help for their Complex Trauma, the Narcissist has learned and chosen, to utilize the survival strategies learned as children for survival, to their benefit and selfish gain.  They now consciously choose to continue to do these same behaviors in their adult lives, to manipulate, rather than finding recovery.  A Narcissist won't seek therapy. If they do, they only frequent a counselor or therapist until they are discovered or disagreed with, which is normally just a few visits, then they quit going. It becomes a personality disorder, because the narcissist has buried deep, any semblance of remorse or guilt for the behaviors that work to their benefit to get what they want. They've chosen to turn a deaf ear on other's wants and needs. Instead of working on self, they have chosen selfishness.

"One definition for Complex Trauma is - it always happens in a situation, usually the home, where the person with the most power was a Narcissist and the Narcissist, makes it all about them.  The Narcissist wants everyone to respond to their needs, their wants, and for the other people's lives to revolve around them.  The Narcissist abuses people who don't do what they want.  They neglect people because they are too preoccupied with their own needs, wants and agendas.  They abandon people to pursue their own selfish pursuits." -Tim Fletcher, Finding Freedom & REACT  

The words "revolve around them", takes on new meaning if you live with one.  It's not just a word, "revolve", it's a complete upheaval of any semblance of healthy or normal.  If you ever disagree with one, you will feel the wrath.  They will withhold love, affection, money. They will give you the silent treatment. They create chaos and upheaval, constantly.  They won't tell you why, you won't know what you've done to deserve their ill behavior toward you.  It won't make any sense at the time, as their mood shifts so abruptly and so hostilely.  They will keep on engaging in behaviors you've asked them to stop, they will go places for hours or even days without you knowing their whereabouts.  They will get you back, even if you have no idea what it was that set them off.  Their narcissistic rage is something when you see it, you will always remember it.  It comes from a place within, from where all the shame, all of the anger, all of the powerlessness they have stuffed down for years, will come out for the smallest resistance to their demands and it unloads in one giant ball of rage.  It is abusive to the people in relationship with them and confusing for the victim(s).  

By the time the victim(s) have figured out what is going on, they are exhausted and burned out from all of the chaos the narcissist perpetuates.  The “smoke screening” the narcissist does by finger pointing about everyone else’s “issues” rather than focusing on what they need to do to change, is confusing and crazy making.  It keeps the victim in a constant defensive state because they never know what they have done and waste a lot of time and energy trying to defend against all of the fault finding the narcissist inflicts. (It inflicts the same damage that Complex Trauma inflicts with cortisol and adrenaline constantly firing off in the victims system.) Yet, the narcissist actually “does” so little.  They talk a lot, but their actions never follow.  They fault find so they don’t have to be accountable for their lack of functioning in the relationship.  The reality is so skewed, you leave any encounter with them, scratching your head at their warped perception of reality.

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